Onzuka Brother's Man Page: The Textbook for Real Men

The Man Page

Well you are either a real man or have the balls to step inside the true frontier, when only real men roam!

If you feel that you have something worthy to contribute and be posted on The Man's Page, email it to us and upon review and approval (a strict, testosterone-filled procedure), we may post it. If you have been offended in anyway, by anything that is posted here, please go to the follow site to express your grievence: http://www.screwyou.com.

Enjoy for now.

Look for the

to indicate additions to the page.

The Rules of Man:
We need to first start off with some ground rules. Basically these are rules to live by, read them, study them, remember them. There will be a test!

1. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and fed to the Turkey Vultures by his fellow partygoers.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. Period.
3. It is o.k. for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' new pickup truck
d. When your Date is using her teeth
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move, perhaps.
a. Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident
6. Acceptable excuse for not helping a "friend" of a friend move:
a. You'd rather stay home and watch speed buggy reruns
7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless/until you actually marry her.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
9. Complaining about the cheap beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will and loudly if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional)
11. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
12. While your wife/girlfriend must bond with your buddies' wife/girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pals' significant dick-heads. Low level sports bonding is all the law requires (sorry ladies, it's called a double standard because it's twice as true).
13. Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one swoosh. If you're a real man, you don't even know what a "swoosh" is.
14. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
15. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
16. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free!
17. Only in situations of Moral and/or Sexual peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
18. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
19. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. . . Ever. . . Issue closed.
20. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.
21. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
22. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a wife's/girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into the ceiling fan.
23. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
25. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
26. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
27. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
d. Nice Ass, Are you a Sagittarius?
28. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
29. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.
30. When a buddy is trying to hook you up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of getting laid either.
31. You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with mosquito repellent, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.
32. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
33. Always split aces and eights. No arguments.

The List!
It is not all fun and games here being a real man. There are a number of terms and definitions that all REAL MEN must memorize. Please click here to access your study material. There will be a test.

The Dictionary that Every Man Needs!

A Child In Need Of Help!

Now don't say that the Man Page is not sympathetic of important problems, so we are asking everyone for your help?

Unfortunately, it has become all to frequent that a man will father a child and then run off. Often times without paying any child support.
The girl in this picture will face many challenges because she has no father in her life. If you know who her father might be, please contact the police immediately.

Important Warning Concerning "Beer!"
Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be more alert and cautious when accepting a drink offer from a woman. There is a date rape drug going around called "beer" and it appears in liquid form. The drug is being used by female sexual predators at parties to persuade male victims to have sex with them. "Beer" is available virtually anywhere. All a woman has to do is persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against such attacks.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to performing sex acts on horrific looking women who they would never normally be attracted to. Men often wake up after having "beer" with only hazy memories of what happened to them the night before - just a vague feeling something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men might be conned into a familiar scam known as "a relationship" - apparently men are easier victims for this scam after the "beer" has been administered and they have already been sexually attacked.

Forward this alert to every male you know..........However, if you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open manner with a bunch of similarly affected victims. For your nearest support group, look up "Taverns" in the yellow pages.

*Sorry....I know some of you have already fallen to this unfortunate situation.*

The 5 kinds of Sex:
Recent research shows that there are 5 kinds of sex:
1. The first kind of sex is SMURF SEX. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue-in-the-face.
2. The second kind of sex is KITCHEN SEX. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
3. The next kind of sex is BEDROOM SEX. Here is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex in the bedroom.
4. The fourth kind of sex is HALLWAY SEX. This is when you have been with your partner too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say, "Fuck You."
5. And finally, the fifth kind of sex is COURTROOM SEX. This is when you can't stand your wife anymore. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

If MEN could TRULY run the world as they wished...
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier, a smack to the rear and a "Nice hustle, you'll get' em next time" would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.

5. Garbage would take itself out.

6. Regis and Kathy Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

7. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

8. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

9. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

10. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".

11. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

12. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

13. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

14. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".

15. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

16. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".

17. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

18. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

19. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

20. Hallmark would make a "Sorry, what was your name again?" card.

16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross.
Take a beer and send the truck to all of your friends!!!!!!

Advantages Dogs have over Wives
1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another name.
5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
7. A dog's parents never come to visit.
8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
9. Dogs agree that you sometimes have to raise your voice to get your point across.
10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk
11. Dogs seldom outlive you
12. Dogs can't talk.
13 Dogs enjoy petting in public.
14. You never have to wait for a dog, they're ready to go 24-hours a day.
15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
16. Dogs like to go hunting.
17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.
19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"
20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.
21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.
25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
27. Dogs like to ride in the back of pickup trucks.
28. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdales, Neiman-Marcus or Nordstroms.
29. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.

20 Types you will meet in the men’s room
1. Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
2. Sociable -- Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
3. Cross-eyed -- Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
4. Timid -- Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.
5. Indifferent -- All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
6. Clever -- No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor.
7. Worried -- Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
8. Frivolous -- Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs.
9. Absent-Minded -- Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10. Childish -- Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
11. Sneaky -- Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed.
12. Patient -- Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand.
13. Desperate -- Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
14. Tough -- Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry.
15. Efficient -- Waits until he has to crap and does both.
16. Fat -- Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shower.
17. Little -- Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
18. Drunk -- Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
19. Disgruntled -- Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
20. Conceited -- Holds two-inch dick like baseball bat.

Reference Material:

Man's Scientific Data
We have had so much data supporting these beliefs that we have had to move it onto its own page.

The Tom Leykis Radio Show: http://www.blowmeuptom.com
***Mandatory listening***
On 1080 AM from 3PM to 6PM, it is radio talk show that features: Leykis 101: How to get more tail for less money and instructs women how men think on Thursdays at 3PM, Flash Fridays (during the summer months) - Drive around on Fridays with your headlights on and get flashed by female listeners, and Listener Parties around the country where Tom signs women's breasts.

The Man Show: http://www.themanshow.com
The founding fathers, Jimmy Kimmel & Adam Carolla's TV show is a "How-To" program about being a man. Filled with helpful hints, thoughtful insight and lots of beautiful women! Now Joe Rogan and Doug Stanhope take the reins and continue the tradition. If anyone knows when this TV show airs, please email me.

Prison Bitch Name: http://www.rockim.com/bitchname.php

Porn Star Name: http://www.mypornname.com/

Female or Shemale Test: http://b3ta.com/femaleorshemale/

For the perfect camel toe

20 Great Things To Do If You Are A Real Man:
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has Gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favours."
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation marks
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" 3rd time this week!!!!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......
20. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.

Gentleman's Quiz: Want to know if you're a gentleman?

1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.

Best Ways To Tell Someone Their Fly is Unzippped:
20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...
1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

This is a list of rules that guys wished women knew...
Newly consolidated and added to. From 36 rules, we are now up to 42.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat: You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
3. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
5. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
6. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
8. Dogs are better than cats.
9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
10. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
11. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
12. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
15. Your brother is an idiot.
16. Don't make us guess. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. We don't remember dates. Remind us frequently before hand. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
18. Share the bathroom and closet.
19. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
20. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.
25. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
26. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
27. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
28. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
29. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
30. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
31. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are? Besides, we are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
35. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
37. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
38. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
39. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
40. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
41. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
42. Don't make 50 rules when 42 will do.

Single Men on the Prowl:

Here is what we are aiming for men. If you are single, maintain your fortitude and do not compromise!

Man's Best Pick Up Lines:
We had so many of them that I had to put them on another page. Besides, for some strange reason, some people may get offended by a few of them. Click here or on the title to get the ammunition to make women puddy in the palms of your hands men. If you run across a smart ass, then see below. Also listed are some comebacks for those ladies who should know better, but just don't.

Hugh Hefner's Selection Process - This is why Hef is in the Man Hall of No Shame
From: World Entertainment News Network (This is an actual article, I promise)

PLAYBOY porn king HUGH HEFNER has a full-proof way of ensuring he keeps a full quota of girlfriends. The 75-year-old casanova prides himself on having seven girlfriends - one for every day of the week. He has dubbed his current beaus THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN. But should one of the ladies fall out of favor with Hugh, he has plans in place to replace her quickly. According to America's NATIONAL ENQUIRER, if a girl drops out, Hefner goes out to trawl Hollywood hot spots to scout for a replacement candidate. If he finds one he likes, he will invite her back to the Playboy mansion for cocktails with him and the other six. The candidate must then face a 'survivor' style popularity vote. If the other six girlfriends give her the thumbs up, she gets offered her own bedroom in Hefner's luxury pad.

Handy-Dandy Dictionary for Personal Ads
WOMEN'S ADS
40-ish...................... 49
Adventurer.................. Slept with all of your friends
Athletic.................... No tits
Average looking............. Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful................... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile............ Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated.................... Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure.......... Medicated
Feminist.................... Fat ballbuster
Free spirit................. Junkie
Friendship first............ Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun......................... Annoying
Gentle...................... Comatose
Good Listener............... Borderline Autistic
New-Age..................... All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned............... Lights out, missionary position only, no Hummers
Open-minded................. Desperate
Outgoing.................... Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate.................. Sloppy drunk
Poet........................ Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional................ Certified Bitch
Redhead..................... Bad dye-job
Reubenesque................. Grossly Fat
Romantic.................... Looks better by candle light
Social...................... Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray
Voluptuous.................. Very Fat
Weight proportion w/ height..Hugely Fat - as tall as you are wide
Wants Soulmate.............. Stalker
Widow....................... Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart.............. Old bat

MEN'S ADS
40-ish................ 52 and looking for a 25-yr-old
Athletic.............. Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking....... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated.............. Will patronize the shit out of you
Free Spirit........... Banging your sister
Friendship first...... As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking.......... Arrogant
Very good looking..... Dumb as a bag of hammers
Honest................ Pathological Liar
Huggable.............. Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle....... Insecure mama's boy
Mature................ Older than your father
Open-minded........... Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested
Physically fit........ Does a lot of "12-ounce curls"
Poet.................. Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall once
Sensitive............. Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive........ Gay
Spiritual............. Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable................ Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful............ Says "Excuse me" when he farts

Happy Hunting!!!

Condom Slogans:
Be safe out there single men!

1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP
2. BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER
3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY
4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT
5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER
6. YOU CANT GO WRONG, IF U SHIELD YOUR DONG
7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.
8. IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY
9. IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YOUR PETER
11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF U WRAP YOUR DICK
12. IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT
13. WHLE YR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS
14. WHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE
15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER
16. NEVER,NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
17. DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL
18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION
19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!

Married or "Attached" Men:
Properly Training Your Woman

The Good Wife's Guide
Please feel free to print out The Good Wife's Guide and distribute it to every women you come across. Tell your wife that a "Good" wife, not only memorizes this, but practices!

Training Courses for Women
Some women just do not study well and need additional assistance or think they are Miss Know-It-All. Here are some courses that I highly recommend.
Women think they already know everything, but wait, training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait until After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . .. . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both (not just tissues and air fresheners)
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
26. Getting ready to go out: Start the day before.
*Please register immediately as courses are in great demand.

Blow Job Etiquette:
Women's perspective (by a female)
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high sclhool girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I h! ave to "kiss it good morning."

A Man's thoughts on Fellatio AKA Rebuttal Etiquette (by a male)
1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bl! eeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep."
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

HOW TO TAKE A SHOWER MEN VS. WOMEN
How to shower like a woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red and raw.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair (take at least 15 minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

How to shower like a man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
Get in the shower.
Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
Wash your privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
Pee (in the shower).
Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
Partially dry off.
Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
Leave bathroom fan and light on.
Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

A Holiday for us Men!

Every 14th of February, men get the chance to display their fondness for their wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.
Secret...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created. March 20th is now officially "Steak & Blowjob Day." Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created so you ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town-the name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak and a BJ. That's it. This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak & Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine. The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.

Men 1, Women 0

Notice the lone Man Page's representative in the back of the crowd holding the orange sign. Gotta love that guy!

This the enemy. This is what we are trying to overcome.

Try my brothers... try to suffer through looking at it long enough to remember the kind of beast we are up against.

The Dear Abby Columnist that your wife/girlfriend must read! This is a legitimate...as far as I know, but what do I know?
Dear Abby:
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancée's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred...then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancée what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing-your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Sperm can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day, then cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should-he should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep never giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

True Male Classics:

"My Rifle"
by MAJ GEN W.H. Rupertus, USMC
Recite this daily, memorize this, live this!

This is my rifle. There are many like it, but this one is mine. My rifle is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. My rifle, without me is useless. Without my rifle, I am useless. I must fire my rifle true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will . . .

My rifle and myself know that what counts in this war is not the rounds we fire, the noise of our burst, nor the smoke we make. We know that it is the hits that count. We will hit . . .

My rifle is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its weaknesses, its strengths, its parts, its accessories, its sights and its barrel. I will ever guard it against the ravages of weather and damage. I will keep my rifle clean and ready, even as I am clean and ready. We will become part of each other. We will . . .

Before God I swear this creed. My rifle and myself are the defenders of my country. We are the masters of our enemy. We are the saviors of my life.

So be it, until victory is America's and there is no enemy, but Peace!!

Letter From Santa:

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF
PLASTER AND STONE.

I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO
IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.

I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
NOT EVEN A TREE.

NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES
OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.

WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT
CAME THROUGH MY MIND.

FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.

THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.

THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED
A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.

WAS THIS THE HERO
OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
THE FLOOR FOR A BED?

I REALIZED THE FAMILIES
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS
WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.

SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.

THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM
EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.

I COULDN'T HELP WONDER
HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE
IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.

THE VERY THOUGHT
BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES
AND STARTED TO CRY.

THE SOLDIER AWAKENED
AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
"SANTA DON'T CRY,
THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;

I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,
I CONTINUED TO WEEP.

I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED
FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.

I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE
ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR
SO WILLING TO FIGHT.

THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA,
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."

ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,
AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."

This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa, Japan. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe to military personnel. Make people stop and think of our heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for us. Please, do your small part to plant this small seed. Do not forget to thank those who help protect the greatest country in the world.

Humorous, But True:
Entry from a Man's Diary:
I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men &women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman." I am thinking "what was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing was going to happen that night so I went to sleep.

The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed dept. store... I walked around with her while she tried on three different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her to take all three. She wanted matching shoes, I said "lets get a pair for each outfit." We went to the jewelry dept. where she gets a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this. You should have seen her face when she said "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cash register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out "No honey, I don't feel like buying all of this stuff now." You should have seen her face...it went completely blank. I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."

I figure that I won't be having sex again until sometime after the spring of 2008.

Top Ten things you should never say to a woman during an argument:
We all get in arguments from time to time with our "significant other," so here are some items to help you prepare or better handle those situations.
10. "Don't you have some laundry to do or something?"
9. "Ooh, you are so cute when you get all ticked off."
8. "You're just upset because your rear is beginning to spread."
7. "Wait a minute...I get it -- what time of the month is it?"
6. "You sure you don't want to consult the Great Oprah on this one?"
5. "Sorry. I was just picturing you naked."
4. "Whoa, time out, Honey. Football is on."
3. "Looks like someone had an extra bowl of Bitch Flakes this morning."
2. "Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?"
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A WOMAN DURING AN ARGUMENT....
1. "Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded !

This Is For Men Tired Of Receiving Male Bashing Jokes:
1. How many men does it take to open a beer?
- None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
2. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
- Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
3. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
- It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
4. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
- When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
5. How do you fix a woman's watch?
- You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
6. Why do men fart more than women?
- Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
7. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
- The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
8. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
- A woman that won't do what she's told.
9. I married Miss Right.
- I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
10. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.
- I don't like to interrupt her.
11. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
- Divorced.
12. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
- It is called Wedding Cake.
13. Marriage is a 3-ring circus.
- Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
14. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me. "What's on the TV?"
- I said, "Dust!"
15. Why do men die before their wives?
- They want to.
16. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
- Dad: That happens in every country, son.
17. A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds: "WifeWanted."
- The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
18. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
19. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
20. Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?
- Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.
21. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
- Nothing, she has already been told twice.

A MAN'S ANSWERS TO EVERY QUESTION A WOMAN EVER ASKS

1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It's a testosterone thing. Very similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.

2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as it takes.

3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend to keep him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you opened it you got into trouble with your partner.

6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel and don't dwell on analyzing our feelings. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please... How many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? Men: Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our a$$es for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR BUTTS ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults. Especially if we were born with a gene that prevents us from ever devloping any character faults.

11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works as well today as it did in 1950.

12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.

14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours looking at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?

16. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS ACT SO SILLY WHEN AROUND WOMEN?
It's because they become overwhelmed with V.V.S. "Vaginal Vapor Syndrome." It's colorless, odorless and tasteless but all women unknowingly emit it. Men are actually quite normal until they get around women. That's why women act crazy all the time, they're constantly exposed to V.V.S. Some men recover more slowly than others.

ADULT SEX QUIZ
Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.

Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"

Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.

Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Q. What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
A. Toys for Twats.

Q. What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot?
A. A guy will take twenty minutes to look for a golf ball.

Q. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A. Put a nipple on it.

Q. What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like?
A. Depends...

Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged!

Q. Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
A. Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.

Q. How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
A. Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

Q. What's the definition of a vagina?
A. The box a penis comes in.

Q. What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
A. "Nice Dick!"

Q. What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
A. S & M & M.

Q. Why do we have orgasms?
A. How else would we know when to stop?

Q. Can you use indefinitely in a sentence?
A. When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in...definitely!

Q. Define Transvestite:
A. A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Q. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A. They are both used as substitute meat.

Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.

Q. What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?
A. Crust

Q. How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
A. If your girlfriend chews before swallowing.

Q. What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
A. Glad he ate her!

Q. Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
A. Sperm is handmade.

Q. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and/or use a better lubricant.

Q. If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?
A. A hole in it.

Q. What is the leading cause in death with lesbians?
A. Hair balls.

Q. What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
A. Come in five flavors.

Q. What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q. What is the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q. What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
A. Both can smell it but can't eat it.

Q. What's the difference between a BONUS and a BONER?
A. Your wife will blow your bonus.

Q. What's the difference between a wife and a job?
A. After 20 years, the job STILL sucks.

Q. What is the definition of wicker box?
A. It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

Q. If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?
A. Divorce proceedings, most likely.

Miscellaneous Jokes:
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why does the bride always wear white? Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom? Say, "Nice Dick."

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.

Why did cavemen drag their women around by the hair? Because if they drug 'em by their feet their cunts would fill up with mud!

Make your woman feel like a woman. Here's a tip!

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my lastminutes on earth to be memorable!

Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt..... one button at a time. ....... No one moves. .......He removes his shirt..... Muscles ripple across his chest.......Shegasps........He whispers: ......."Iron this, and get me something to eat...."

Future Ideas to implement when I have time:
(if you somehow have this please email it to me)
- Movies for real men: Gladiator, Animal House, Anything by Arnold Swartzenegger, the Rocky series, the Rambo series, The Five Deadly Venoms, Mafia Movies (Good Fellas, Casino, A Bronx Tale, the Godfather series, Carlito's Way), The Rock, Heat, Full Metal Jacket, Apocalypse Now, etc. Please only send me your favorites. No comedy's unless they are like Animal House, of course. They must be classic must-see movies.

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